, , , , , , , , ,

Tonight we have a guest post from my husband Dan. I wasn’t sure what to say about Death Machines, because it is just such an awesome example of fine quality film making. So take it away, Dan!

I sit here 2/3rds lit and wondering what the hell I just watched. I mean I know what I watched…the 1976 “classic” (and I’ve never used a term as loosely as this in my life) Death Machines…it’s just I’m still not sure exactly WHAT I watched.

The story, as best as I can describe, concerns an ugly flat chested, giant beehive wearing Asian lady (Mari Honjo) with no boobs with a trio of assassins. One’s white (Ronald L. Marchini), one’s black (Joshua Johnson), and the other is Puerto Rican…I keed…the other is Asian (Michael Chong). They are randomly sent out to kill even dumber assassins and for no reason a beginners class at a karate school. This is where we’re introduced to Frank (John Lowe), perhaps the most inept hero I’ve ever come across. They cut off his hand, he screams like a girl and the next thing we know, Barney Miller (Ron Ackerman) is on the case.

Now Barney Miller and his partner have a boss named Lt. Green. That may not mean anything to you, but once you see his green mudmask he calls makeup, you’ll get the joke immediately. I’m not sure they meant it like that though. There’s also some other gangster or mob boss, but all I cared about on him was his mustache.

So Frank and his nurse have sex after he gets his ass kicked by some old pirate in a bar. Nothing says I wanna have sex with you quite like getting beaten up by your drunken uncle. After that, some other things happen but at this point I’m not sure what order what was in, so let me get to the things I’ve learned.

– when trying to find the right assassin, always make them face off against the same ethnic race.
– No matter how white your mustache and wig are, yer still asian, dude
– Never ever take a beginning karate course. You never know when three guys will burst through the window and kill you for no damn reason.
– Italian owners of restaurants always add the letter a to the end of random words. It’s-a me, stereotype!
– If you’re an assassin, you can be shot and not feel it. Those three guys no sold being shot more than the Terminator.
– If there’s a gun fight breaking out at a police station, that’s the time to leave on your lunch break.
– Green facial masks are not flattering.
– Getting your ass kicked really turns the ladies on.
– Assassins don’t really enjoy reading religious pamphlets.
– I need more booze..