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I have read that Rest in Pieces is only for the Jose Ramon Larraz (that’s the director’s name) completist. Well, after seeing Edge of the Axe several times, I decided that this meant me, so I ordered it online. Also being an 80s horror completist, I found to my delight that Rest in Pieces did not disappoint.

Helen (Lorin Jean Vail) has inherited everything her rich aunt (Dorothy Malone) owns after auntie commits suicide on camera after delivering the heartfelt message, “you should have been my daughter, because my hated sister stole my boyfriend.” Gosh, I’m glad I didn’t have a sister! Anyway, now Helen and her greedy yuppie tennis coach husband Bob (Scott Thompson Baker) head to auntie’s mansion, only to find it overrun with undead suicided jerks who don’t pay any rent and who like to kill people! Worst of all (for avaricious Bob anyway), auntie hid her money instead of keeping it in the bank. Will they evict the zombie ghosts? Why are the undead waiting for auntie to return when Helen keeps seeing her everywhere? Will Jack Taylor (Pieces, Virgin Killer) appear in any old thing? If so he should totally call me, cause I’ve got a great short film in the works that could use someone who knows where the pecs are located and hates roller coasters.

Heaven help me, I really dug this movie. It’s like Dead and Buried with Lisa and the Devil  for dessert. People say it’s hard to understand, but the plot made perfect sense to me. The aunt wanted to keep her niece forever, so she has her minions try to convince her to kill herself. The evil doctor (Jeffrey Segal) must be using the murder victims to keep everyone undead. The ending means that Helen thought she escaped, but didn’t. Standard nightmare crap.

The only problem I have at all, besides that the movie was hard as hell to track down, is that the lead actress was the worst thespian I’ve seen in awhile, and because of her acting I am now stupider. So much so that I think I lost a year of my high school education, meaning I only made it through trig and I never read Macbeth. But at least I didn’t date that idiot in 12th grade, so I gained a year’s worth of self-esteem. See what bad movies can do?

Those of you who own penises that point at women won’t care about her acting, however, because she spends so much screen time nude. I think that’s where the budget went. I’m sure Ms. Vail’s a lovely person with nice boobies, but her voice reminds me of the older sister from Sixteen Candles, and that ain’t right.

Oh, and I found a new horror rule. If you are living in a horror movie, and you inherit a house from a relative you don’t know well (or at all), just forget it. Don’t travel to the house, or you will die. Stay in your cramped apartment and live.