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cman

In the spirit of crappy movies like Freddy Vs Jason and Alien Vs Predator, we’re going to pit some horror villains who share similar characteristics against one another and see who would win in a fight. For our inaugural edition, it’s hook against hook. Who would win in a fight between Candyman of, well, Candyman, and Ben Willis of I Know What You Did Last Summer? Let’s check the facts.

Motivation: Candyman was horribly tortured and then murdered for falling in love with the daughter of a racist, so he has a right to be pissed. His revenge-seeking is also somewhat understandable, because he comes after people who say his name in the same way in which he was taunted while he was dying. Ben Willis lost his daughter in a car accident, so he definitely has a right to sing the blues; however, we don’t know whether the accident really was David Egan’s fault, and furthermore, Ben was a murderer who had just killed David when he went wandering around in the road and was accidentally hit by the team of Future Superstars. Although they should have reported the accident, it was in fact an accident. Also, Max, even though he looked like he smelled bad, didn’t deserve to die, and neither did the cop who picked up Helen or the victims in the sequels. (Bridgette Wilson’s character did deserve to die, but only because the actress always plays bitches.) Decision: Candyman

Origin: Both men are based on urban legends, but Candyman more closely resembles his in the sense that he appears when you say his name; his hook is incidental. Ben is more closely based on the “hook hand killer of teenagers out parking” legend but does not resemble that legend other than having a hook. Decision: Candyman

Nature: Ben Willis is a living human, if an incredibly resilient one. I’m choosing, of course, to ignore the execrable third movie in which he is a ghost. Candyman is a vengeful ghost, with a bloody skinned ribcage and a composition of about 65% bees, and therefore even more unstoppable. Plus, he can possess people and frame them for murder. Decision: Candyman

Availability: Candyman has to be called before he can come a-killin’. Ben shows up when he damn well pleases. Decision: Ben

Scariness: I Know What You Did Last Summer is more of a thriller than a horror movie, and looks like it was made for TV. Which is fine, because TV movies are lots of fun, but they’re very rarely scary. Candyman is an iconic horror picture and incredibly terrifying. I have yet to look into the mirror and say Candyman five times and I can promise you that not only would I never do so, I’d personally hook anyone who tried to do it in my house. I could stand in front of the mirror and say Ben until Kingdom Come and all that would happen is that I’d get to watch more frown lines pop up. Decision: Candyman

Well, it’s not looking too good for ol’ Ben. The score is four to one Candyman. Ben, you’re gutted. Take the rest of the weekend off to go fishing.