Happy Father’s Day, y’all. Or happy almost Father’s Day. It’s coming up this Sunday, so what better way to celebrate than by highlighting some murderous and neglectful cads who are dads. These characters clawed, chopped, stabbed or crept their way into the top five amid plenty of competition, so let’s all give them a (severed) hand. And don’t worry, cause we’ll check out some good fathers before Sunday. But now, on to the baddest of the baddie daddies.
5. “Dad” from The Gate
Played by Scot Denton and known only by the name bestowed upon him by his loving children, his hollering of the accusation, “you’ve been BAAAD” creeped me out more than a little when I first saw this in the 80s even though this was otherwise a light horror flick. Still, I was a kid, and that’s who the movie was aimed at. So what if he was just a hallucination of a zombie conjured up by the demons from the hole in the backyard? We’ve all been BAAAD at times, and unless you’re an insufferable brat, that fear of your parents is there even though you know they won’t kill you. Unless, of course, they kill you.
4. “Louis Creed” (Dale Midkiff) from Pet Sematary
Louis, Louis, Louis. You’d think you would have learned your lesson from what happened to Church the cat, if you didn’t pay attention to the warning you were given by Herman Munster next door. I know you felt like it was your fault you didn’t catch Gage before he ran out in front of the semi and got creamed, but was that really a good reason to bring him back to life as an evil zombie? Don’t try to rationalize your behavior by saying you did it because your father-in-law blamed you for Gage’s death, since FIL was the asshole responsible for Zelda (and through her, the attempted destruction of my immortal soul when I saw this at age 15). Really, buddy, aren’t doctors supposed to be smart?
3. “Norman Boyle” (Paolo Malco), The House By The Cemetery
Norman, you lying, cheating, hubris-filled cocksucker. It’s not a good enough excuse that you were living in a Fulci script that makes even less sense than The Beyond, mister. You were so interested in getting Dr.Freudstein’s formula into your hairy little hand that you didn’t care one bit what happened to your son, Bob. Your remedy for Bob’s exposure to bat blood and possibly rabies was to take everyone out to dinner. And you were supposed to be a scientist? Go sit over there by Louis until I’m done with you. What was that B.S. about running around looking for Freudstein’s grave, and how do you explain your final fight with Freudstein? My grandmother was quicker and tougher than you.
2. “Delbert Grady” (Philip Stone), The Shining
Not only did you chop your twin daughters up with an axe and stack their bodies like firewood, you blew your own ugly head off with a shotgun when you were done. At least Jack can say he was tricked by Danny into freezing to death, but you took the coward’s way out. Then you came back as a ghost and tried to become an accessory to Danny’s murder. At least we can take some comfort in knowing that you have to spend all of eternity as a bathroom attendant.
1. “Gordon Fleming” (Peter Mullan), Session 9
First you blame your infant daughter for your failing business and your ridiculous bid on the asylum job, then you go home and stab her to death. Then you have the audacity to forget all about it and spend a week being emo while acting like you’re on some kind of moral high ground compared to a mullethead, a stoner, a slacker, and a jerk. I can see why you slapped your wife; after all, she was boiling fifty gallons of water to cook pasta for two people and that’s why she burned your leg. But you should have left the baby out of it. You were such a drama queen that dissociative identity disorder wasn’t enough. You had to go and get possessed by a demon on top of it, just to make sure your whiny ass was covered. Babies cry; new parents don’t sleep. Smoke a joint with Phil and get some therapy about yourself.