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I’ve been overthinking this one. The best answer I can come up with out of what I have been watching recently is the character of Albert Rosenfield, played by Miguel Ferrer on Twin Peaks and in Fire Walk With Me. Like me, Albert is abrasive, direct, sarcastic, book smart and willfully antisocial, yet he possesses a love for all mankind. He just doesn’t like them.

Dale Cooper (Kyle Maclachlan) likes Albert grudgingly because he has had to work with him for so long that he has accepted Albert’s ways, but Cooper is amused both by Albert and by other people’s negative reactions to him. Also, I believe the viewer is led to dislike Albert and then come to appreciate him as the series unfolds. I can’t tell you how many close friends I have had who have shared with me after we became friends that they hated me when we met. They then came to like me for the very reasons they hated me at first.

I have learned to tone down my outward misanthropy, but if I had gone to grad school and gotten a great job where I was indispensable like Albert, I’d happily be a bitch on wheels. I hate stupid people and even when I sit quietly and keep my mouth shut people think I am angry. I was just born with a permanent case of bitchface.

I’ve never been punched in the face by a cop, but I have been hit in the back of the head by one. I’m an idealist, a liberal, a Zen Christian and ironically, a pacifist, although I have had someone turn tail and literally run away when I stood up in the middle of her verbal tirade against me. I felt like Clint Eastwood for a second. I love people from a distance, but they disappoint me. There is just too much unhappiness that could be avoided if folks did not choose to take pride in ignorance and mediocrity.

This scene between Albert and Sheriff Truman (Michael Ontkean) is hilarious and pretty much says what I’ve been rambling about. Like Sheriff Truman, people are surprised and uncomfortable when I’m nice to them, so I try to show them nonverbally that I love them by being super polite and courteous when I’m forced to be in public. My path is a strange and difficult one. One day I hope to be returned to my home planet. Until then, I hope to amuse y’all from afar.