One thing you’re not gonna hear a lot of on my blog is me bitching about stuff not being scary enough. I have been scared of many non-scary things in my life, including skipping records, the United Artists logo and that typewriter on Sesame Street that wheeled around typing on itself. I don’t care for people hiding and then jumping out from behind something and grabbing me because it’s funny to them to hear me shriek. I was scared of Gene Simmons in the demon makeup until I was 33 years old. And I hated that old public service announcement where that dumb kid Darwined himself by drinking the bottle of something he found under the sink.

But somehow I’ve adapted to being such a big ol’ weenie. I’ve learned to get a big thrill out of being scared. In the early 80s, when MTV came about, I had not yet acclimated to fear in such a way. So among all the day-glo and the zippers that didn’t actually fasten anything, one of the perils of watching a lot of MTV was that music videos occasionally popped up that scared the crap out of me. Here are five of them.

5. Judas Priest – You’ve Got Another Thing Coming
The guy blowing up real good looks to me now like what it is: a dummy. But when I was a kid whose age was in the single digits, this video had me covering my eyes. I think it was the guy’s pants falling down as he exploded. To this day I’m disturbed by the sight of a movie character dying an undignified death, and I think it was the pantsing of the dummy that put that fear in me. I don’t think the video is scary anymore, but it still makes no damn sense. Now I reserve my fear for the documentary about the guy who shot himself in the face because he listened to Judas Priest.

4. Arthur Brown – Fire
This one played during special times when they only showed retro videos. Now Mr. Brown just looks like a fire hazard, but as an eight year old I was scared of not only him, but the entire decade of the 1960s.

3. Krokus – Screaming In The Night
Now I can see that this is some bullshit with bad effects and ugly high-top Nikes. Then I just thought, “Oh my God, that woman is in a cage and Bluto from Popeye just knifed that guy!”

2. Kansas – Fight Fire With Fire
Now: “this is not Dust in the Wind! What the hell?” Then: “Mommy! They just tipped a living man into a forge! Hold me!”

1. Tom Petty – Don’t Come Around Here No More
It was Alice in Wonderland watching in terror as she was cut up like a cake that sent me screaming to my room. Like, I’m sure if you had warned her ahead of time that you were going to eat her alive she would not have gone around there anymore, Tom, you bucktoothed jackass. I had a hatred of Tom Petty from the moment I saw this clip until “Last Dance With Mary Jane” when I finally forgave the sadistic bastard. The VJs always talked about Petty’s great sense of humor, probably cause they just burned a big ass joint with him and even their cans of Aqua Net were funny to them. I still don’t see why this video is supposed to be funny.

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