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Remember back when I watched Ghoulies 3 and pronounced it the worst film in the box set? The most annoying part about it was that they’d tried to make a sex comedy with horror elements, which is a great idea, but they failed miserably. I’m happy to report that A Polish Vampire in Burbank actually succeeded. Dupah (Mark Pirro) is the vampire version of a virgin. He sleeps ’til 3 AM every night and then gets up and watches TV while drinking cold blood his dad (Hugh O. Fields) brings him. He’s afraid to pop his vampire cherry because he thinks his fangs are too small, and his family is getting impatient with his refusal to grow up.

Then he meets Dolores (Lori Sutton), who has a vampire fetish, and he falls in love. The rest of the movie is spent watching him try to work up the courage to bite her. The humor is really, really stupid, and the entire budget went to Eddie Deezen’s death scene (money well spent) as a vampire who gets caught out in the sun, but star and director Pirro has achieved something here that very few do: this is a bad movie that is bad on purpose and still works.

Most of the jokes are very good-natured, but the queerwolf subplot falls a bit flat for today’s sensibilities. Still, I loved the running gag of Delores’s dumb roommate Misty (Bobbi Dorsch), the guy at the gym who says “motherfucker” between each rep, the bad Sonny and Cher impression by Misty and Dolores’s ex boyfriend Ernie (Steven Dorsch), and especially the angry movie usher. Also, Lori Sutton is really gorgeous. I mean, wow. And I don’t even make a habit of pointlessly lusting from across time and space for blondes! It’s not a movie that actually made me laugh out loud, but I’m sure it would if I smoked some pot. And in a much better way than Transylvania 6-5000.

The only thing I don’t get is, why is everyone dressed like it’s the 70s when the movie was made in 1985? All I can figure is that everyone thought 70s clothes were funny in 1985. I know I did, and I also was sure as hell I’d never wear them (right up until they suddenly became fashionable again in the 90s), but I was ten years old in 1985, and so I didn’t know the mere presence of 70s fashion was funny to adults too. Whatever. Anyway, I recommend that you grab your roachclip, your Slinky, and your sunscreen, and watch this movie.

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