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555 can’t decide if it’s a gritty cop movie or a slasher, but I’m sure of one thing: this movie is what you get if you drag a 20 dollar bill through a community theatre. We open with an unconvincing looking murder. Then a bunch of bumbling, foul-mouthed, unpleasant cops sitting in an “office” with cardboard walls, interrogating a witness. The killer, the witness claims, “looks like a hippie.” The cops immediately decide that the witness is actually the murderer (they’re wrong). Then we spend the rest of the movie watching these assholes try to catch the killer.

We see the killer spackle several naked women using strawberry jelly and a wavy novelty knife, and a couple of decent effects including a knife to the throat and a stellar decapitation. All the murders happen to couples who are in the middle of having sex. You may wish they had their clothes on, and you will definitely root for the killer.

Nobody is likeable. There is not one bit of dialogue that sounds like an actual conversation between rational adults. There are fake tough New York-ish accents, an angry police captain who is only heard over the phone, stoners hacked to pieces in an abandoned casket factory, a hatchet-faced lady reporter named Ms. Rather who has an unfortunate topless scene, and gratuitous use of the word “poontang.” Oh, and the ending, after the killer is killed, features a montage of all the killing scenes from earlier in the movie. Best of all, it’s all captured on glorious VHS.

555 might have been a decent Z-grade slasher like Blood Cult if there was more slashing, and less of the stupid cops sitting around talking. But instead we get something like an eighth grader’s idea of Dirty Harry fan fiction. The good thing is that I laughed at this movie like I haven’t laughed at a movie in a long time. The sheer audacity of the director and writer is staggering. This is perfect for your next drunken round of MST3K: The Home Game.

Luckily we watched past the credits and found a real treat: a long trailer for Truth or Dare: A Critical Madness. I had forgotten about that one, and was glad to have the reminder to revisit it. It definitely slashes circles around 555.