HorrorNews.net published an article today about the best horror films about camping and I thought, “but what about the really awful ones?” I’m counting tent and sleeping bag camping as well as RVing and staying in a cabin. I secretly like most of these movies, it’s just that they’re empirically awful. Here is a list, in no order:

Berserker

The highlight of this film is a scene with Buck Flower and John F. Goff playing cards. It’s like the filmmakers said, “we have hired these two actual actors, known for B-movies, and we are going to stretch their screen time until it almost breaks.” The other good part is a terrible song called, I assume, “Cool Dude,” which features such lyrics as “stop telling me whatcha gonna do about this/stop telling me all about that/’cause you’re a COOOOL dude!” The song plays while the people on the camping trip ride ATVs. Sadly, nobody breaks their neck during the scene.

Blood Lake

This movie looks like some people took a VHS camera on vacation to a cabin and filmed themselves. It’s more boring than some actual home movies I’ve seen. There are extended scenes of unimpressive water skiing, and two of the campers have to be about thirteen years old. I have rarely seen less actual killing in a movie with the word blood in the title than in this film. I’ve seen work safety videos that were much scarier, and I ain’t even got a job.

Ghosts That Still Walk

Some old people buy an RV, drive off, start to cook pot roast and make salad, and a ghost takes control of the wheel and runs them off the road. He then throws boulders at them.

Pod People

The Spanish horror classic everyone remembers from MST3K couldn’t possibly be watched without robot commentary. For one thing, the kid is dubbed by an actor worse than the one who does Bob’s voice in The House By The Cemetery; for another, the only character I could stand at all was the horny chick who was supposed to be daft.

Blood Hook

I really hope this one was supposed to be funny. I think it is the only time I have seen the killer use the motive “I needed the bodies to feed my bait fish.” They say it is a comedy, but Tommy Wiseau says that about The Room. And he’s a jackass.

Meatballs 2

How dare they defile the Meatballs name by introducing an alien almost as lame as Trumpy. And fuck you HBO for showing this so much that I liked it as a kid. What? This isn’t a horror movie? Excuse me; I have to fire a staff member.

Savage Weekend

This drive-in classic had such unlikeable campers that it actually made me cheer for the killer hillbillies, and then they turned out to be innocent. Of the killings anyway. Even the rapey character was more sympathetic than his intended victim. At one point a character screams, “What’s that?” because there is a bat nailed to the door, but a boom mike comes into view at the exact same instant as the bat. The boom mike is in the film so much it got an acting credit. The film is enjoyable only because of nudity and because the gay character kicks some guys’ fucking asses when they try to harass him in a bar.

Blood Frenzy

Mentally ill, horny people in the desert on an encounter session are killed. Lisa Loring is annoying. I spent most of the running time screaming at the TV.

Camping del terrore

I don’t often find an Italian horror movie so bad that I can’t even enjoy it for purposes of unintentional humor, but ta da! Camping del terrore AKA Body Count is that bad. What a waste of David Hess…he isn’t even playing the bad guy.

Don’t Go In The Woods Alone!

This movie shows a camper tie his friend into a sleeping bag and hang her from a tree, screaming “Bag of bitch!” as she struggles to get out. There’s also a scene in which a guy finds the killer’s cabin full of corpses and mugs so exaggeratedly that my husband said he looked like Jack Tripper getting himself into a situation. Which prompted us to make a gif of the mugging guy (click above image to see his freak out in motion) and to name our (future, nonexistent) band “The Jack Tripper Situation.”

About these ads