, , , ,

I have a real love for the B-movie. Many times when I’m watching an episode of MST3K, I’m actually paying attention to the movie. Hell, sometimes I watch the movies in their original form! The B-movie is an art form that has to be appreciated as a separate genre of moviedom. The best ones really do have a charm, and even if you’re watching them to make fun of them (which most of the time I’m really not, honest) there are still going to be parts you like.

I understand that probably every director would like to be successful, no matter what they say, but there has to be a certain amount of stress relief in knowing that you can do whatever you want because you’re not spending a lot of someone else’s money. With fewer restrictions, you get some great lines, kills and characters that you might have otherwise never experienced.

Some of these folks I’m going to talk about are the main killer and some are just a bad person in the movie. Further, some made the list because I liked them and some because they effectively made me hate them. I had to make the list more complicated since it’s only five items long!

One-armed man in Mexican restaurant, The Toxic Avenger

He makes the list because he uttered one of the funniest lines in movie history: “I always wanted to cornhole me a blind bitch.” Plus, how cool is it that the actor, who was actually one-armed, agreed to let a fake arm be torn off of him in the scene? Instead of staying home and wiping away tears with his one hand, he’s a part of movie history!

Mom, Kingdom of the Vampire

This lady is so into vampire pride that she takes the mirror off the medicine cabinet in her bathroom. She doesn’t have a reflection, and she genuinely believes her kind to be royalty, so why would she need the social conventions of her inferior prey? I am not being facetious when I say that I can follow that line of thinking. Also, she eats a cat who wanders in because she needs a snack.

Laura, The Pod People

I don’t necessarily condone or condemn cheating on your girlfriend, because I believe in situational ethics. However, when the girlfriend in question isn’t into the whole poly thing, you’re a giant bitch if you use your dad’s position as a record producer to bully your way into a camping trip with the dude in question, said girlfriend and their friends. And on top of that, verbally taunting the girlfriend? You deserve to get knocked off a cliff by rednecks and then later dissolve into a goo. And because I get mad every time I see you, Laura, you made the list.

Harold Kunkle, Killer Nerd

As a genuine nerd, I can sympathize with and feel a sick admiration for Harold Kunkle. Meowing outside of a house to get the attention of the biggest asshole you work with so you can serve his head on a pizza to your unrequited love interest takes balls.

Entire cast, Graduation Day

I could not pick just one best villain in this movie. There’s the predatory truck driver with the ridiculous fey neckerchief. The two girls (Vanna White and her friend) who just walk through every scene being bitches. The band at the dance who subject us to some seven minute crappy song. The killer, for stealing his girlfriend’s corpse and putting all that emo makeup around her eyes (and for making us listen to the other bad musical number he plays on harmonica). But worst of all, there’s the music teacher, who had the nerve to think girls flirted with him because he played piano and wore a ridiculous pastel polyester suit, not because they wanted a good grade. You’re the worst of the worst in a deliciously bad movie, you delusional horny bastard.