1. Masking tape over the mouth works great for keeping people quiet when you’re doing surgery with no anesthesia.
2. If the doctor is killing a patient performing surgery with a set of steak knives, be sure to wipe the sweat off of his forehead every two to three minutes so it doesn’t drip into the stab wounds. However, when doing a heart transplant, doctor sweat in the open chest cavity is just fine.
3. It takes a long time to dig a grave with a shovel. That is why murder victims are buried in shallow ones.
4. There’s nothing better than chocolate ice cream to help a doctor unwind after a long day of murder and grave digging. Be sure to put some of the ice cream in a bowl while you are eating it out of the box. For hygienic purposes.
5. Pacing around is the best way to determine whether or not you’re gonna have to kill someone.
6. Those jerks at Medicare will only pay $27.50 for murdering a guy with steak knives, so be sure to bury him on the hill so you can get more money from the agency that pays you to bury the indigent.
7. It takes longer to smother a tuberculosis patient with a pillow than it does to smother a healthy person.
8. Your sister the death nurse will do anything for you except let your girlfriend drink her sherry. Fortunately, women who will sleep with a murderous doctor in exchange for alcohol during a stay at your clinic for alcohol detox do not really care for sherry.
9.When you are living in a shot on video world, you dream in Super 8. Corollary: You can keep your pet sewer rats in Super 8 world and still reach them from the video on the basement stairs when it’s feeding time.
10. A guy who has a heart condition and needs complete bed rest can walk to your clinic from County General if the elderly social worker helps them along. He’s just got to have faith.
11. You can totally make the grass on a fresh grave grow as high as the rest of the lawn overnight if you are a doctor.
12. This movie was the inspiration for Weekend at Bernie’s.
13. Before you can transplant a dog’s heart into a human, you have to take the patient off the table and run around the empty table three times first.
14. One or two sewer rats living in a medical facility would be fine if it wasn’t for the fact that they would attract other rats.
15. Rosalie shouldn’t have tried to go into Grandma’s bedroom.
16. It’s okay to go ahead and put flashbacks from another movie you made into your current movie even though the second movie is not a sequel to the first, and the first movie already has a sequel using the same flashbacks.
17. If you try to shut down the facility during one of the nurse’s closeups, she will stab you to death.
18. Including a copy of the book Reel Power: The Struggle for Influence and Success in the New Hollywood in a scene will get you funding to make anything. The book will soon be making cameos in the film adaptation of Catcher in the Rye as well as in the long-awaited Janis Joplin biopic and also in Doctor Detroit 2: The Wrath of Mom.
19. Rat salad sandwiches smell so good!
20. The orange Twitter bird makes its first screen appearance as part of the cast of the wallpaper in Mr. Davis’s room.
21. Immediately after the social worker has just discovered all the patients are missing except the drunk prostitute is a great time to take a nap. In fact, students from the Italian satellite campus of the Art Institute of Florida will shoot your dream for you!
22. When you’re running a murder for Medicare scam out of your suburban house, you will be way less conspicuous if you paint your house hot pink.
23. In order to avoid further injury to the elderly woman you’re stabbing to death, use a knife made out of tin foil.
24. Killing a nosy old bitch will make you seriously consider early retirement because it leaves you feeling pooped.
25. Palm trees actually grow quite well in San Francisco.
26. When a detective calls to schedule a search for the missing social worker tomorrow, you’re gonna have to do something about that smell downstairs before he gets there. Make sure you always carry your lime in a bathroom sized trash can that has “lime” printed on the side in black block letters.
27. When you put dead old bitches in the basement with your Super 8 rats, the DOBs will still be SOV.
28. You really shouldn’t keep pet rats, because they will just leave when they find out the cops are coming to search the house, and they will take human remains out onto the lawn with them as evidence. That is why people who snitch on other people are called rats, dummy.
29. When that cop is two hours late, don’t mention it to the doctor because that will cause the cop to show up right then.
30. I will watch any movie made in the 80s.