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This was the third installment in Amando de Ossorio’s “Blind Dead” series, and the first one of the series I’ve seen. Noemi (Barbara Rey) is looking for her girlfriend Kathy (Blanca Estrada) who disappeared several days ago after a mysterious call from their employer, modeling agent Lillian (Maria Perschy). Lillian takes Noemi to see Howard (Jack Taylor) who has sent Kathy and another model, Lorena (Margarita Merino) on a fools’ errand. After finding out that Howard makes boats, and he hired Kathy and Lorena to sit on a 15 foot motorboat for days waiting for someone to pick them up as some kind of stupid top secret publicity stunt, Noemi is held captive by Howard’s henchman Sergio (Manuel de Blas). When the girls report by radio that an old galleon has hit them, all these people I listed plus a scientist named Professor Gruber (Carlos Lemos as Guy Who Knows What’s Going On) go out to rescue them. Then some people get eaten, arms and legs and throats are torn off and there’s a stabbin’. No boobs though. Chicks in bikinis and high heels yes, but the only things nekkid are the bones of the satanic Knights Templar.

I’m giving this movie a very special award that I just made up right now: The Pythagoras Award For Making Sense. Just as you could count on the Pythagorean Theorem every time to tell you the length of any one side of a triangle given that you knew the two other sides’ lengths back in those dark days of college math post-algebra, you can count on Horror of the Zombies to have a beginning, a middle, an end, an explanation for who the zombies were and why they were there, lesbians who admit to being lesbians without any weird subtexts and a plot that is not open for interpretation or for starting arguments on the IMDB boards, Lord love ‘em.

That’s not to say that the characters’ motivations entirely make sense, because the premise is kind of a WTFer, but it gets us where we’re going. Onto a ghost ship filled with hungry, blind, dead, satanic, skeletal zombies, y’all! Fifteen zombies on a dead girl’s chest, yo ho ho motherscratchers!

One more thing, though. Why is it always in Spanish movies (another example being Let Sleeping Corpses Lie) that zombies can’t find you if you hold your breath? I wonder if it relates to the Hong Kong hopping vampire films.

HORZOM

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